Something About Dylan
by NeedMoreCowbell
Summary: The flock still hasn't warmed up to Dylan, and when fang returns, things only get worst.  There is only one solution: Get rid of Dylan.   That seems like a really good idea until they find out Dylan's secret...Then things just get awkward.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Well, this is my first Fanfic. Just some nonsense really. This is meant to be a three-shot for all you Dylan haters out there. I hope it's a bit more creative than the other Dylan fics.

Probably not.

Disclaimer: I've always wanted to do one of these! Well to make JP's lawyer's happy: I don't own Maximum Ride, or Mr. Patterson, for that matter. I would have thought you lawyers would have better things to do with your time instead of busting teenage fangirls...Maybe not? Do lawyers read Fanfiction?

I'll ask one when I see one.

* * *

Okay, here we go.

Let me just get this straight: Yes, Fang ran away. No, he did not wait at the cliff on Total and Akila's 20th wedding anniversary. Heck, it hasn't even been twenty years since then.

It's been two weeks. Long story short: Fang came flying back to us last week.

*Cue flashback sound effects*

_The flock and I…And Dylan were all sitting around watching Snow White. Angel's decision and surprisingly, Dylan was in favor of it too. He said something to the effect of, "I was deprived of Disney movies back in the lab". _

_Well, Dylan, were you also deprived of cute cuddly teddy bears and rainbows, too? Pity, pity Dylan._

_Yeah, I've been sorta moody since Fang left. Hm. Fang. How I miss him._

_And then the doorbell rang._

_No one rings our doorbell. No one knows where we live. Except Jeb, who comes down here every week for a tea party with Dylan, and he came by yesterday._

_The only other person I could think of who could be at the door was…Fang. _

_I flung the door open and clenched my eyes shut, embracing the tall, thin figure in front of me. _

"_Fang!" I sobbed._

"_Um, hi Max."_

_Did Fang sound….older? Much older. His speech was kind of slurred. He smelled different too. I knew he wore Old Spice, but this was…Really Old Spice._

"_Fang, where have you been?" I put my hand on either side of his face, and looked into his eyes. This was gonna be really romantic. Except, that guy I had been all over, yeah, he wasn't Fang._

_It was an old dude. And not just any ordinary old dude either._

"_JP, HOLY CRAP!"_

_Iggy came running over, his arms flailing in the air with joy._

_How did that boy know it was JP at the front door, I don't know. I was too busy puking up little bits of popcorn in my mouth._

"_Pleasure to meet you Mr. Patterson, I'm a huge fan." Iggy was now vigorously shaking hands with the old man, and making a sad attempt to make eye contact. "I really like The Women's Murder Club series, but seriously, you look like a pedophile on the back of the books."_

_Wow, I think Iggy only has the ability to see James Patterson. Who would have guessed that?_

"_Er, thanks Iggy. I assume you all know how I found your house…"_

"_You're a creeper, that's how." I think it was Gazzy who mumbled that._

_JP, being the cool cat he was, ignored it. _

_I just had an amazing mental picture of Mr. Patterson in some baggy jeans, a t-shirt, and a pair of sunglasses…in the dark._

"_Well, Max, I came here because I found someone a day or two back and he looked awfully familiar, so, I brought him back."_

_And JP took a step sideways, just like they do in every other reuniting scene in movies, and there he was._

_Fang._

_I pretty sure he couldn't breathe after I started hugging him. I'll put it this way: It was like the hug I gave JP, to the 30__th__ power._

_I didn't bother yelling at him for being gone, or anything. I'm not a huge drama fan._

_(Seriously Days of Our Lives, how do you do it?)_

_And that was that. _

_Oh, Dylan. He didn't look too happy. But was that a blush he had creeping over his face?_

*Cue Other Flash forward sequence*

Okay, that was that. Back to the story…

Ever since Fang came back, the pathetic attempts of warming up to Dylan, just went down the crapper.

Every time Dylan sits next to me, or something like that, something blows up. I swear.

Well, at least Iggy and Gaz are looking out for their big sister.

Not that it's getting old, but I really would like to get rid of Dylan for good. Or just make him our personal slave and make him useful.

Hm. That's a good idea. I shall create an ANTI-DYLAN meeting.

Creative name, I know.

-oOo-

40 minutes later, I had everyone but the "brunette wonder" in the living room.

"Okay, everyone, I think we need to do something about Dylan." I still haven't lost my authoritative voice after all this time.

"What do you think we've been trying to do for the past few months?"

"Yeah, I know Nudge. I think maybe we should try and do something…bigger."

"You mean like, assassinate him, or something?" Gazzy was stroking his imaginary goatee.

I cleared my throat. Did I really want to do this? Oh heck yes. "Of sorts… yes. Any ideas?"

"I have a plan." Hehe, _that's_ my _real_ perfect other half.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys! Well, I wasn't planning on updating this until the weekend, but I'm having such a fabulous week, and just kept writing. The only thing the ruined my week:

I lost my germophobic pencil. Yeah, A pencil...that's germophobic. It has this ridiculous "Microban" thing that kills germs on the pencil. Don't ask about it, just fantasize about what you could possibly achieve with this wonderful pencil...World peace, maybe?

Anyway, you guys are great. Reviewers or just readers, thanks so much. Here you go...I'm pretty sure this chapter doesn't make very much sense though. *Shrugs*. Oh well.

* * *

Fang's plan=Brilliant.

It's ridiculous, but brilliant. Basically, we rip off Dylan's wings and replace them with fairy ones from Wal-Mart (Thank Allah for Halloween season). Gross, I know. But Angel from X-men could sorta do it, and The X-men are never wrong.

So, first stop: Wal-Mart.

Seriously, we don't want to Dylan's wings just hanging in our living room for like a week while he's gushing blood. Dylan hater or not, that's just weird.

We all pile into JP's van. Yeah, I forgot to tell you guys, JP lives with us now. He's like a natural Jeb repellent. I don't know whether it's how he dresses or what he smells like or whatever, but Jeb hasn't showed up for a little while now. If there's no Jeb, I'm happy. And JP has a mini van. He's like our very own soccer mom.

Ahem. So we all pile into JP's mini van and drive to Wal-Mart. Relatively uneventful.

Next thing I knew, I was holding Fang's hand and walking in the Halloween section, walking in circles around a rack with butterfly wings on them. So. Many. Butterflies. Oh, and I made sure it was Fang I was showing PDA's to this time. Not Mr. Patterson. I can't forget these important details.

You would think that would be really romantic and stuff, but Dylan was on the opposite side of the rack, looking at butterfly wings too. I don't know what's up with that kid.

So, we're all looking at the racks (of butterfly wings you discussing hormonal teenagers), and then this happens:

"PICK ME!" Gazzy jumps out of the middle of the rack. And Dylan screamed. I'm talking girly scream. Bieber high-frequency dog whistle scream.

And we laughed. Evil maniacal, Sith Lord laughs.

And Gazzy grabbed a pair of butterfly wings and ran. Ran like Forrest Gump.

And the Wal-Mart staff ran after him. Ran like…Some other catchy piece of figurative language.

And I just stood there, trying to come up with a way to overuse the word _and_ in this situation.

I didn't bother to look at Gazzy, or even worry about him, because everything was going as planned.

And that's when Fang smiled. And we looked at each other and smiled some more. The perfect soundtrack for this moment:

.

I don't know if you caught that, but that was a fart. A really loud fart.

(A.N. Yeah, I just made a farty noise with my mouth to figure out how to spell that.)

We both turn around to see a giant green cloud near the check out line, as well as several Wal-Mart employees on the ground, wheezing.

Did you know that Wal-Mart sells gas masks? Well, it does. And I'm pretty sure they just saved my life. I won't get into details, but, it happened.

The flock got back into JP's van, Angel scowling because Dylan got lost in the store. But Iggy handed her a twenty dollar bill, and she just seemed to loosen up after that.

Such family values we have: Bribery and betrayal.

I don't even know where JP went during all this, but he somehow ended up in the van with us. Seriously, I think he has Harry Potter's apparating powers.

I'll just skip the boring part of the ride back home. (Readers are saying: "WHY DO YOU KEEP SKIPPING AROUND? YOUR TRANSITIONS SUCK!")

Iggy runs in and grabs the first knife in the kitchen that he sees (well, not really).

Phase two of plan: complete.

We all run into Angel and Nudges room, with the exception of JP, of course, who has seemed to disappear again.

"Okay everyone", I panted. "Now, we wait."

And we waited. (And the reader says: "YOU JUST SKIPPED LIKE THREE HOURS! #%#%#$#$%#$%#%!")

It was about 6 o'clock when Dylan walked in the house. He didn't look all that happy. At all.

"WHERE WERE YOU GUYS?"

"Chill Dylan maestro. You got home alive, and that's all that matters." I'm pretty sure Iggy's eye twitched when he said that last bit.

"Listen, I know you guys don't like me, but could you at least pretend to respect me?"

"We could," I said in a badass voice, "but that wouldn't be fair. You can't just barge in here and all of a sudden be a member of the flock. You have to prove yourself."

"So, did I win?" What is up with Dylan and pointless questions today?

"NO." Ah, what a beautiful chorus of Avian Americans.

Let's skip another six hours again…

(Reader: "!" *Stabs chest with knife*)

It's nighttime. Little baby Dylan is asleep, and the flock and I, (or it is me and the flock) is preparing to chop his wings off with a knife. I think we need a recap up to this epic moment of pre-triumph.

As an attempt to destroy Dylan (both physically and mentally), we planned to chop off his wings and replace them with little butterfly wings. We went to Wal-Mart, Gazzy jumped out at Dylan, he screamed a terrible Biebery scream, Gazzy took a pair of wings, farted and run out of Wal-Mart, everyone but Dylan close behind. Tada.

Okay, this is it you guys.

Fang, Iggy, and I all creep into Dylan's room, Angel, Gazzy and Nudge keeping guard. In case your wondering, we duct taped Nudge's mouth shut, so she couldn't possibly ruin this plan.

Fang had the knife, Iggy the wings, and me, well, I had my stunningly amazing looks.

Anyway, creeping. We all approach Dylan's bed and see a form sleeping soundly. I give a creepy smile and look at Fang and Iggy. We all do a freaking awesome simultaneous nod, and Fang lifts the knife up dramatically, preparing for Dylan's demise.

And then the form on the bed turned to face us, and you wouldn't believe what we saw.

Okay, maybe you could guess.

It was freaking JP. Here, let me say that again it caps: IT WAS FREAKING JAMES PATTERSON. AGAIN.

Where does this guys come from? And just as this is all happening, the light flicks on, and there's Dylan in his jammies, looking at us. Fang with his knife, and Iggy with his "other" wings, and me with my stunningly good looks.

And then he screams. Again. And Fang immediately hides the knife behind his back, and Iggy hides the wings, and well, I can't hide my stunningly good looks.

We run to my room, all six of us and lock the door. This wasn't cool.

Getting rid of Dylan would be harder than it looked…


	3. Chapter 3

Well, this is it you guys. Part three. I would first like to apologize to JP for all the crap I put his through in this. The worst is yet to come...trust me.

I'd also like to thank everyone who's bothered to read this horrific story. Thanks. I hope you were amused.

Also, I think I'm just going to warn people about this chapter. It's screwed up. Oh, and if anyone speaks Klingon here, you're gonna need it.

Oh, and if you care (you don't, I just need a place to ramble), I'm going to be disappearing from FFN until December for NaNoWriMo. I'll be back though, with an equally bad or worst fanfic.

So, without further ado, here 'tis:

* * *

Turns out, James Patterson wasn't a Jeb repellent. Jeb was at a Mad Scientists Who Have Conflicting Feelings About Their Genetic Mutations convention. I seriously didn't think those even existed.

So Jeb's back. And Dylan just had to be created with a big mouth. Not to be confused with big lips like that Sam kid on Glee or Angelina Jolie. There's a difference. Dylan spilled the beans that we tried to chop off his wings. We can't really say we were surprised by his actions, but we really didn't think that Jeb would come back.

Nudge and Gazzy stood in front of some of the…interesting graffiti, er, decorations we did on the wall depicting Jeb when he came back. But Jeb was Gandhi then compared to when Dylan told him everything.

The conversation was nothing less than colorful, which is why I filled in all the profanity with Klingon explicatives…

"YOU WHAT?" Jeb seriously sounded like a whale.

"I believe you heard us the first time Jebster," Iggy said coolly.

Jeb just squinted at him with those kinda PMS-y looking eyes.

"Fine, we'll stop with all the bullying nonsense." Fang's Daily Word Count: 8, technically 9.

"That's not the Qiyah point!" Here come the Klingon words…

"I'M GONE FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND YOU DESTROY THE HOUSE AND ATTEMPT TO MUTILATE YOUR FELLOW FLOCKMATE? I CAN'T QUVATL LEAVE YOU ALONE AND EXPECT YOU TO ACT LIKE CILIVIZED PEOPLE?"

"Actually JP was with us." Angel said. JP, who was at the kitchen table this whole time nodded and held up his mug of coffee. That guy is just so freaking great…Except for that whole identity mix up. "And we were going to replace the wings with something a bit more stylish. But I guess what we did was wrong, so sorry Dylan."

And then Angel just walked off. Because seven year olds can somehow do that. Oh, and mind control powers sorta help. I wonder if Angel can use Jedi Mind Tricks©. Is Angel a Jedi? That'd be cool.

But anyway, I'll just make everyone pissed and skip the whole shenanigans…

La la la la la.

Okay. So now it's nighttime and stuff. The entire flock, besides Dylan, who I don't even think is par of the flock, and JP, who should be part of the flock, gathered inside Iggy and Gazzy's room.

"I seriously think that we should just kill him." I couldn't really tell if Iggy was being sarcastic or not.

"I agree, he's not even that cute and he is constantly around Jeb, and I wonder if they are related…That would be kind of weird because Max, you are supposed to be related to Jeb or something and that mean's you guys shouldn't be perfect other halves or something, unless Jeb meant that in the siblingy way, and that's why he's be so uninterested in you lately…" Nudge said. Sometimes, I wonder when exactly that girl breathes.

"Yep." FWC (Fang's Word Count): 10.

"Okay, well, we really to get some sort of weapon, then, and I don't really think that bombs would be very good." I directed that comment straight to Ig and Gazzy.

"I always keep a knife with me…" Holy Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die! JP was gonna help us kill Dylan.

We all just sat there, our mouths gaping.

"Okay," I managed to squeak. That was that. We didn't need to plan anything. That was just legit.

This is all just more proof that you can't fully recover from anything James Patterson has said or done. It's impossible.

*Cue Luke Skywalker saying, "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE" after Darth Vader, tells him he is his father. *

AHEM. We all cluster around the door, planning on running into Dylan's room and just stabbing him. JP creaks open and the door, and then here we go: Surprise!

There Jeb was, arms crossed, looking SUPER pissed in his pink frilly bathrobe.

PAUSE!

Jeb, are you suffering from cramps, bloating, and headaches? Then try YAZ. YAZ treats PMDD, which has worst symptoms than PMS, which YAZ does not treat. Feel better about yourself and help others tolerate you…Side effects may include kidney failure, liver problems, and other symptoms that are probably not even worth taking YAZ, but oh well.

GO!

"RUN!" I heard Gazzy yell. Everything seemed to happen in a blur.

Jeb pulled out a knife and started flailing it in JP's general direction, Gazzy and Iggy ran around in circles with what seemed to be a bomb in their hands, and Angel was just standing there, for no particular reason.

"Max, why are men so stupid?" Angel was suddenly standing right next to me.

"Not all of them are stupid, Angel. I think just the really annoying characters that you can't really tell are good or bad. Like Jeb, or Dylan…Or even Sasuke."

"Oh, Okay. Thanks Max." And then she skipped off, and I was sorta starting to regret that last part about Sasuke.

I suddenly had a thought about Dylan. He was probably asleep while JP and Jeb were practically biting each other's heads off and fighting for his life…or death for that matter. Gee, Dylan is a spoiled child. You would think he would have the decency to care about what was going on! But he doesn't, and that's just a really good reason to hate him. Cool.

Okay, I think I jinxed it. Out comes Dylan from his room. He's rubbing the sleep from his eyes that suddenly seem to widen when he sees what's going on.

And then Iggy tackles him.

"WHY DOES JEB LIKE YOU SO MUCH? YOU'RE SO ANNOYING! LEAVE! Oh, and I think the question that has been on all of our minds is: are you Jeb's son?"

Everything fell silent when Iggy said that. Everything. Even the readers reading this at this very moment in the future fell silent.

Pst. That's your cue.

And then Dylan responded…

"No. I'm Jeb's daughter."

WHAT THE #%#%$^#$^#%#$#%%^$%^#$%#$%#$^$#$#%#$%#^#$%#$^#$^#$^#$%#$%#$%#$%##$^#$^#$^#$%?

That's not awkward AT ALL. Nope, not one bit. That's perfectly normal to think someone who has been oogling over you was a boy when they are really female. That happens all the time.

And that was just about the normalest part of the day, because then this happened:

JP ran over to Dylan, pushed Iggy off, and kissed Dylan. That happened.

And then all of our souls died.

I don't think I should get into details about what was happening or what everyone was thinking. I'll just say this: JP and Dylan are going to be a really cute couple. I just hope Jp's wife doesn't get to pissed.

The End. Or maybe not. (?)


End file.
